This is a hard post to write. I may not even post it. We had our cat die tonight. One of the dogs was playing with her a little too roughly. I found her wet and stressed. She died in my arms. She died in my arms. The same arms that I held her in as I promised her that I would always take care of her.

I broke down sobbing.

I tried to hold it together, but I could not do it. This all over a cat that we had for less than 2 months. Smoke was a rescue. She was left at the center by some ladies who tried to sell her. Later I found her in the center. Jackie had mentioned wanting a cat. So I texted her and she said to bring her to her. Smoke lived up to her name, she was a smoke color grey and I joked she darted around the house like a smoke trail.

Now Smoke was Jackie’s pet. The 5 dogs have adopted me already. But then Jackie went out of town for a month, and I was left taking care of smoke. I jokingly called her a pirate since she liked to sit on my shoulder as I walked around. She slept in the crook of my neck at night and her purr was wonderful.

But I realize that my tears were not just for Smoke. I am grieving. Not just for Smoke. But I am tired of death. Today I dealt with 2 families about funerals. I see loss and suffering every day. I grieve the loss of health I see in people I care about. And I can do nothing for them. Just like I promised to take care of Smoke and failed. I promised to love others and I cannot protect them from changes in health.

All I can do is to love them and care for them the best that I can. Just like I did with Smoke. Smoke is/was loved for the time we had her.