Growing up, there was a belief that children should be seen but not heard. In watching period piece TV shows the Servants are expected to be invisible unless they are spoken to.

I feel like a servant.

As long as I am needed, I am seen.  I am wanted. But after I am done helping, I no longer matter. As long as people get want, they want they see me. But after that, I no longer matter. I am invisible. 

Or if I have the nerve to question their choices to ask hard questions, I get turned off. Back into the closest until I tell them what they want to hear.

Not seen, heard, or wanted until I am needed again. Early on after arriving on the reservation, I was warned by a mentor that everyone is my friend. As long as I am helping them. Boy, has this proven true.

It can be lonely.  It is lonely. 

I recently read that burnout does not occurs because you care too much or are too compassionate.  Rather, it occurs because you are not refilled. My well dries up.

I need to be refilled. I need to be seen, heard, loved. We all need it. We need to know that people care about us.

Now, many of the people I deal with do not have the capacity to fill me back up. But it is funny, so many want me to stop helping others so much. Yet, in the same conversation, we will ask for help for themselves or their family. The irony is laughable.

I know I need to be refreshed, refilled, and restored. I long to be loved, cared for, seen, and heard. We all need it. We all need to know someone cares.

Being a servant does offer its own rewards. God has called me here. I love what I do. But I am tired.